“ SHARING AND HEALING ”
SPRING TIME SUICIDES
By TERRI SCHMIDT
Springtime is a good time for graduations, proms, class recitals, baseball season.
On the other side of the coin, it is also the time of the year when suicide rates start to rise. Now you might think that more people would consider suicide during the bleakness of winter, but that is not the case.
Spring is a time for many transitions —from high school to college, from college to full-fledged adult life. That can be terrifying for some. Sometimes people realize that the depression they felt all winter never really went away in the spring, and so they can't blame it on the weather.
Mark and Bob were best of friends. They helped each other get through high school. And even though they took different paths after graduation, they had the kind of male bond that is very rare these days. When Mark was abusing alcohol a little too frequently, Bob made sure that he got the help he needed.
Mark wanted to return the favor when he realized that Bob just couldn't seem to shake off his depression when he flunked out of the college of his choice.
So what were the symptoms that were troubling Mark? There was no one clear sign. Lots of people can experience failure and bounce right back. Since it can be difficult to predict who will be fine and who may try suicide, the American Association of Suicidology developed a mnemonic device to help people notice more of the signs.
The phrase, used as an acronym, " IS (the) PATH WARM " helps jog people's memory to pay attention to things that may otherwise go unnoticed:
IDEATION - This means a person is thinking about killing himself, and may even begin talking about it.
SUBSTANCE ABUSE - Including alcohol. A sudden increase in use may be a warning sign.
PURPOSELESSNESS - Many times someone thinking about suicide will say that there life has no meaning or purpose.
ANXIETY - Suicidal people are frequently anxious and may have insomnia or else sleep for long periods of time.
TRAPPED - Young people in particular may lack the life experience or skills to problem solve their situation, feeling that the only "way out" is by suicide.
HOPELESSNESS - This is a very important sign because people may begin to believe that their pain will never go away. When grieving a loss, people feel terrible pain, but usually they believe that one day they will feel better. In severe depression, there is an absence of hope.
WITHDRAWAL - Individuals will often withdraw from friends, family and society. With teenagers especially, this can be very subtle, like not going to school or hanging out with friends.
ANGER - A person may show rage or other out-of-control behavior, which sometimes includes hurting themselves or another.
RECKLESSNESS - A person may uncharacteristically start showing a high risk of un-usual behavior/activities.
MOOD CHANGES - While everyone's mood may change day to day, in this instance a person may show dramatic change in personality, mood or behavior.
Pay attention to these warning signs. Add one more that is frequently missed. A person who has made the decision to kill themselves will frequently appear happy and relieved. This is because they think that they have made the decision and feel good about it. They may also start giving away prized possessions that they think they will no longer need. This is a serious symptom!
In the case of Bob and Mark, Mark made the difficult decision to share his concerns with Bob's family. He knew that he risked making his friend angry, but he felt that was outweighed by the risk of Bob possibly hurting himself.
Bob's family took it one step further. They sat down with their son, and told him how concerned they were and how help was available. They stressed that if he needed to have an operation for a serious health problem, then of course he would go immediately to the hospital. This situation was no different. The brain is an organ also. One of it's main job is to monitor thoughts and feelings. When a brain's chemistry is out of balance, so are its thoughts and feelings.
Bob and his family are very lucky. He got the help he needed. He is still alive.
BOOK REVIEW
“HAPPY NOW?” - Written by Katherine Shonk
Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 272 pgs. / $16.50 or less on Amazon.
Jay was a self-confessed depressive who every few months abruptly descended into a dark, suffocating immobility, spending days curled in bed, refusing to speak. Yet he shunned medication for the flatness it made him feel and managed to keep his illness a secret from those outside his family. And he was charming, warm, and endearing when he emerged from his “spells,” so Claire found herself ultimatelyfalling in love.
The reader learns, that Claire Kessler believed they were handling her husband, Jay’s depressive episodes fairly well when, just a year and nine months into their marriage, Jay abruptly killed himself, walking off a balcony during a friend’s party. He left behind not just a cryptic suicide note, which Claire initially can’t bear to read, but a whole suicide binder, including four typed pages of care directions about his cat Fang. The frail stray Jay had taken in long before their marriage becomes Claire’s most direct, if begrudging, link to her dead husband.
Jay was a psychologist, with a specialty in studying infant behavior. His knowledge about his condition didn't make it any easier for him to deal with it, Claire learns, as she gathers the courage to read the packet of instructions he left behind, containing information on everything from taking care of his difficult cat, to a note exhorting Claire not to blame herself for his act. Both tear-jerking and laugh-out-loud funny, this will have readers rooting for its brave heroine and hoping that, indeed, she will one day be happy again.
“Happy Now?’’ begins just after Jay’s wake and follows Claire as she tries to make sense of what has happened and what will be. The novel vividly captures the sense of dislocation and disenfranchisement that must surely accompany such a loss. Claire must deal not only with her feelings of loss and sadness, but also with a justifiable anger of shame and guilt. How could she have missed the depths of Jay’s misery?
However, the wandering narrative effectively serves to keep the reader slightly off balance in the way we imagine Claire herself must be, as she grapples with finding meaning, if not exactly “happiness,” in the here and now as well as some sense of hope for the future.
The author Katherine Shonk, has evinced keen sensitivity grappling with shock, guilt, and anger at a painstakingly slow pace as she relives troubling scenes from her brief, uneasy marriage in a harsh, new light. Reticent Claire never confided in anyone about Jay’s bouts of immobilizing depression and now has trouble expressing her complex and conflicted thoughts and feelings. Her practical mother buys her clothes; her kind, pregnant sister takes her in; and her worried father tails his abruptly widowed daughter like a private eye, while Claire endures excruciating encounters with therapists.
Carefully configured with telling details, Shonk’s brooding yet wryly witty drama is a revealing tale of family ties, love gone awry, and the wintry season of grief.
.
A study released on Monday shows that there are no varying suicidal tendencies in adults who take different types of anti-depressants.
Researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital and Harvard Medical School said that there was no “clinically meaningful difference in risk among individuals taking different classes of medications.”
“Our finding of equal event rates across anti-depressant agents supports the US Food and Drug Administration's (FDA) decision to treat all anti-depressants alike in their advisory.”
They continued to say that treatment decisions should be based on efficiency, and “clinicians should be vigilant in monitoring after initiating therapy with any anti-depressant agent.”
Researchers examined medical data of more than 287,000 adults in British Columbia, Canada, who began using anti-depressants between 1997 and 2005. During the study, 751 people attempted to commit suicide in the first year of treatment, and 104 people succeeded.
“Despite the widespread use of anti-depressant medications... there is inconsistent evidence that growth in anti-depressant use has reduced the prevalence of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts during the past decade,” said the study.
In October 2004, researchers claimed the FDA warned that there may be a potentially increased risk of suicidal behavior in children and adolescents taking anti-depressants, but further research found no increased risk in adults who were on anti-depressants.
“Clinicians should be vigilant in monitoring patients after initiating therapy with any anti-depressant agent," they addded.
(This study was published in the May issue of Archives of General Psychiatry)
A task force formed after 15-year-old Phoebe Prince hanged herself in January. The panel crafted the policy and discussed it at its most recent meeting Monday. The 31-member group plans to complete the policy in the coming weeks.
THERE'S NO COMFORT IN A CARROT
Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D.
I know ... I know ... I shouldn't seek comfort from the refrigerator. Food is not the solution, but, at times, it sure seems to ease the pain. Maybe it simply masks the moment, but it also gives me something to do later as I sweat off that extra cookie.
I know about food and nutrition and self-esteem, and I know too, that comfort does not come in bottles, boxes or bags of chips (except for Oreos). I know that food is only a temporary source of solace that will turn into a long-term battle of the bulge. But there are some days when all that knowledge simply leaves me aching and wishing for some chocolate.
I've been on this journey through grief more than once and I've learned a lot about coping skills, healthy choices and positive affirmations. I've also learned that sometimes what I really want is a cookie. There's no comfort in a carrot, but when there are no words left to say, when the pain is overwhelming and the helplessness sweeps over us, there is always chocolate!
Some days are worse than others. Some are not worth remembering and some should not have been allowed to happen. I don't know who is in charge of those days, but I sure would like to speak with that person someday.
Some days are just not worth having. They move so slowly that even the sun gets bored and simply falls from the sky in a rush of despair. Some days the sun is smarter than I am, and it just doesn't get up. Some days are rain-filled while others are shrouded in gloom. Some days are painful, while others just seem empty.
Oh, there are some good days, too. In fact, there are some pretty wonderful days, but we don't seem to remember them as well as we recall the awful ones. Somehow, the tough days get relived more often in our memory and the hours of darkness seem longer than the hours of light.
Some days I need chocolate. 
If I am lucky enough to only suffer from an occasional "down" day, then my usual coping techniques of sleeping late, eating a real egg and watching a good movie (while consuming semi-indecent amounts of popcorn) generally suffice. I've read enough and lived long enough to realize that those days will eventually pass, especially if I do not ignore them. And so, I have learned to cope with those days that simply should not have happened.
But, once in a while, once in a great while, one of those days turns into one of those weeks and maybe even into one of THOSE MONTHS, and suddenly I can't remember anything decent, lovely, worthwhile or fun. It is as if my memory banks have been erased of all joy, and the sun only casts shadows of sorrow.
Those days, when we can't remember his smell, the sound of her voice, or the touch of their hand, are the days we fear the most. Those days, when pain sweeps over us like searing flames, those are the days we lose even the light, and then hope seems an empty place.
Those are the days that are meant for chocolate. On those days, we may discover we need more than a good book, a bowl full of popcorn and a box of tissues. On those days, what we need is comfort, companionship, courage ... and chocolate. Surviving an attack of those days can test the wit and wisdom of even the best of us. All the tricks of the trade just don't seem to touch the emptiness, and that's when we have to call in the reinforcements. On those days, there is no comfort in a carrot.
But, oh, the caring compassion of a friend bearing chocolate! I'm not sure if it is the chocolate or the friend that lifts the gloom, but I do know the silent blessing of a phone call from a concerned and loving friend, the gentle touch of a companion and best of all, the shared joy of a warm, chocolate-chip cookie. This journey is simply too much to endure alone, and blessed are they who dare to walk with us.
It is the knock at the door that draws me away from my silent suffering and gently nudges me forward. It is the phone call that comes to shake off the emptiness that keeps me moving forward. It is the hand reaching out across the darkness that becomes my lifeline when I am lost in despair. It is the gift of friendship that helps me hold on through those days.
We cannot stagger and stumble across the rocky path of grief alone.
We need all of the help we can get. Some of us need a friend to talk with into the long hours of night. Others need a card or a note in the mail to remind them of their support systems. Tuna casseroles and meals sealed in foil help ease us through those days when we cannot remember where the kitchen is. There is nothing better than a warm, chocolaty something brought in the arms of a loving friend.
I have acquaintances who love vegetables and have tried for years to convince me of the merits and joys of broccoli. I know people who actually jog and who think early morning is best enjoyed from a bicycle seat. (I love them anyway.) I have had my share of advice-giving friends, friends who shared their own thoughts and experiences with me and friends who didn't know what to do, but came over anyway. Some of my friends specialize in specific activities. I have a bowling friend, a walking friend, a friend who will shop for bathing suits (and not laugh) and a friend who will mow the lawn. I have friends who will travel with me, some who will loan me their beds and several who have even done my laundry. I have my sensible friends, my psychic friends and my chocolate friends. I have friends who understand my love and battle with cookies and who never actually offer me a brownie, but who send me chocolate thoughts instead! I have friends everywhere and I need them all!
I have friends who will cry with me, laugh with me, sing with me. I have friends who know my secrets and others who think I am still thirty years old. I have friends who know my story and some who can't remember where we met. I have friends who share my passion for living and several who are even crazier than I.
All of us have had our share of struggles and some have endured more than any one should have to. We've danced in the moonlight, cried in the firelight and healed in the sunlight.
We're old, young, tall, short, fat and thin (but not too many!) We're Moms and Dads, brothers and sisters, parents, spouses, grandparents and friends. There are some strangers, too. Some who are stranger than others!
Some do like carrots, most love chocolate, and all know the hurt and pain of grief.
Some love winter, while others dream only of basking on a beach somewhere. Fall is the favorite of some, and some love the challenge of spring and tax season.
All of us have birthdays, and mostly we don't remember them except with cakes and hugs. We know other dates bring heavy thoughts and the mailbox and the phone lines are choked with hugs and prayers, sent lovingly to ease the pain of those days.
Friends are our security ...our insurance policies against loneliness and despair. Food tastes better when shared with friends and the very best of friends know exactly what to bring! Some send flowers, others order pizza. Some come toting homemade lasagna and some bring fruit. A GOOD FRIEND WILL NOT BRING TUNA, LICORICE OR CARROTS. A true friend comes with hope, a listening heart, an extra roll of toilet paper to more efficiently sop up tears and a bag of Oreos.
It is hard enough to survive those days, but without a friend, those days are glum indeed. Friends know when to talk and when to listen. They know they cannot erase the guilt we carry or talk us out of our despair. They do not try to cheer us up, but neither do they drag us down. They know when to call, when to come and when to just stand silently close ... trusting.
They offer prayers, poems and pastries. A friend will go jogging FOR us (HA!) and always says how nice our hair looks! The gift of friendship goes beyond the mere exchange of gifts and into the magical space created by love.
A friend doesn't have to bring food -- doesn't even have to come! We can simply feel a friend's caring, even when it comes from thousands of miles away. We are connected through compassion, caring, cookies, carrots and chocolate ... (CARROTS?!)
A friend helps us remember and helps us to heal.
I wish Hallmark had a Friends Day, but maybe I won't wait for one to be created. I'll just start one myself! Stamps would be free that day and so would phone calls. We could all go outside, open up our arms and reach around the world to each other. We'd shed a tear and share a smile. We'd sing and laugh and hold on tight.
We cannot do this alone, so I'm mighty glad God invented friends!
So make this day your own National Friends Day and send a card, a cookie, a casserole or a carrot (it could be a chocolate carrot) to say, "Thanks for being my friend! Thanks for caring, for calling, for cooking, for cleaning, for coming. Thanks for being a part of my circle ... for being a part of me. Thanks for helping me skip the cookie and embrace the moment. Thanks for jogging with me, for believing in me and for loving me.
Thanks for not sending chocolate but visualizing it instead! Thanks for YOU, my friends. Someday there will be fat-free chocolate! But by then, I won't need it anymore because I have finally learned it is the gift of YOU that gives the greatest comfort!
There's no comfort in a carrot, but, oh, the magic of YOU sharing it with me!
- Used with Permission
- Visit Darcie’s website at www.griefinc.com
Home
Mission Statement Share and Heal
Talk to Someone Need to Heal
Suggested Material Book, links & more