SHARING AND HEALING
OCTOBER 2004
A QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER
Written & Edited By : Al & Linda Vigil
"THE ISSUE IS GRIEF"
Information and Support for those who have lost
a loved one to suicide!
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
When an individual dies, family and friends begin a period of grief. The loss of a loved one through suicide is a swift and devastating experience for the survivor because there is no preparation for acceptance of the death.
Guilt feelings are intensified by the "if only's" and frustration is sharply felt due to the unanswered
questions of "why"?
Often, people who have lost someone by suicide are comforted most by others who have undergone the same experience of loss. The Sharing & Healing newsletter is by and about survivors.
This monthly newsletter will include sharing of experiences, books, resources, and reinforcements to
'Suicide Survivors.'
We will acknowledge the pain and the loss of life by suicide, yet offer hope and understanding necessary for the healing process to occur. Self-help encourages the ventilation of feelings which might not be shared with persons who have not lost a loved one to suicide.
We share and heal, with support and understanding, and a lack of judgmental attitudes.
Your stories, your experiences, the name and story of your loved one, and related articles are welcome
and may be included as space and issue permit.
Write us and join our world of Sharing and Healing
for Suicide Survivors.
GRIEVING NOTES
By Linda Vigil
Most heroic acts come from the heart, not the mind. If more people would act with their hearts there would be more reaching out, touching, communication and loving, because they would be so spontaneous.
If you stop to think and use logic you begin to focus on rejection and fear.
I have learned that heartache and tragedy can bring people closer together if they are willing to reach out and open themselves up. When feeling the pain of heartbreak and tragedy, I believe you have to observe what has happened to you, even feel "hopeless" before you feel a shred of optimism.
Many of us have experienced the loss of friends and relatives when they created walls and distance because of heartbreak or tragedy. They chose not to open themselves up to pain and to try to escape life's realities.
We find many kinds of heroes in many walks of life. There are heroes who live in oncology wards and in hospice units, genuine heroes, individuals who cling to life with a tenacity that contradicts all that we know about failure and finality. Even as life fades away these 'ordinary hero's' act kindly toward others. They offer encouragement to those who are closer to death than they and they comfort friends and loved ones.
So many times I have witnessed this same scene in 'survivor groups'. People who are racked with pain by the loss of their own loved one to suicide, reach out and put their arms around another survivor, or hold their hands, acknowledging their shared pain, lending support, love, and friendship.
These, my dear friends, are "The True Heroes".
I truly believe we can experience heartache, tragedy and in time we can again hope! I am not writing of quick fixes in our microwave society; "new spouses" for marriages that didn't work, "new jobs" for burned out careers, "miracle drugs" for terminal illness, or "stoic acceptance" for the death of a loved one to suicide.
I mean we can again "hope" with the clear understanding that life is at best a risk. It is an un-charted journey that we know very little about, but it's a journey of life and hope!
A journey we have chosen to take! In our healing!
ANNIVERSARY REACTIONS
By Lois Berenson, L.C.S.W. - San Diego, CA.
Many of us think of psychological recovery as a steady progression from the original trauma to our own "normality." When we regress instead, we think we are failures, that we are sinking into a monstrous black hole from which we will never emerge. For this reason it helps to have a map marking the difficult and sometimes dangerous sections of the road to recovery.
During the first year of losing a loved one to traumatic death, the survivors will experience some degree of regression on family birthdays (particularly the birthday of the beloved), Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas; and even on the Fourth of July, when you remember that you all were laughing and happy at the barbecue last year, can lead to tears.
Some experience their grief as a feeling of light-headed unreality: "This can't be happening. It's all a bad dream! I'll wake up soon." For others acute mourning is felt as a physical symptom: "I feel as if an elephant were sitting on my chest. It hurts to breathe." Some can't be still, perhaps tapping their feet or trembling constantly as their thoughts race wildly: "I should have seen this coming. If only I had told him ....or "if only I hadn't left him/her alone that evening."
It is predictable that our anniversary reaction will closely resemble our original way of grieving. It is almost as if each anniversary creates an echo of our original pain. The echoes may diminish as the years pass, but never completely disappear. Part of the healing process is learning to deal with anniversaries. For some it is important to surround themselves with loving friends and relatives who have known and cared about our loved one. Some need solitude to memorialize the beloved: we need to pray, meditate, walk along the beach alone, listen to a requiem Mass, look with tears through the old family album.
The older a person is, the more likely that he has lost many dear relatives and close friends. Such a person may experience a "ripple effect". The rock hits in the middle of the pond, the waves radiate outward producing ever larger circles. When this happens to a mourner, he may feel drowned in emotional waves as the memory of the death of a daughter revives the memory of the loss of his father and all the important losses of a lifetime. At such a moment it is not accurate to say, "I feel sad." The feeling is so intense and pervasive that "I am sadness and sadness is all I am," better describes this heavy state.
About ten years ago "Susan" came to my therapy group red-eyed and late. When the members asked what was wrong, she sobbed and blurted out, "I had to put down my dog today. She was twelve years old and in terrible pain. You probably think I'm stupid to be so upset about a dog, but she's always been there for me through so many changes and losses. She's been the one constant in my life for twelve years." After sobbing for a while she looked around the room. All of the other members in the group were now crying with her.
Amazed "Susan" asked if they were crying for her dog.
Some of the replies were, "I'm weeping for your dog and all the pets of my lifetime." "I'm crying because, like you, I lost my mother a year ago." "I'm remembering the closed casket that held my brother's remains after he stepped on a landmine in Nam all those years ago. And that made me think about a man I grew up with...we went through school together; he was killed in a hold up. He just happened to be in the wrong place." "I'm thinking about how I felt finding my sister after she overdosed."
The rest of the therapy session was spent grieving, and in the process "Susan " felt validated. "It's OK to mourn for just a dog." The others understood that where there is attachment there can be loss, that whenever we love, we open ourselves to the pain of losing the loved one. They thanked "Susan" for giving them the opportunity to speak of grief, to cry, to be vulnerable, to experience pain and sadness, to feel connected with the other mourners; which is all of us. In the years that I've led groups. This session stands out as the most healing.
And so it's OK to experience an anniversary reaction and mourn your loss again. And it's OK. the next day to go on with your life and experience all the myriad feelings of which you are capable.
" There is only one way for you to live without grief in your lifetime; that is to exist without love. Your grief represents your humanness, just as your love does."
By Carol Staudacher
SHARING & HEALING
is © Copyrighted by
VIGIL ENTERPRISES,
a non-profit 501(c)(3) corporation, whose funding is solely depended on your Tax Deductible contributions.
SHARING & HEALING
7108 Easton Pl. N.W.
Albuquerque, New Mexico 87114
WHEN THE HOLIDAYS HURT
"Surviving the Season"
It happens this time every year and like it or not, the holiday season is here. If you are grieving, the upcoming weeks may be filling you with dread. Regardless of whether this is a first holiday after a loss, or if enough time has passed for you to feel stronger and more optimistic about the future, here are some ideas for surviving the season.
ELIMINATE THE UN-NECESSARY :
Decide what traditions are important, what parts of the holidays are pleasant, and which friends and family you want to be with this year. Let everyone in your immediate circle participate in deciding what should be kept and what should be discarded. Follow through by spreading around the responsibility for getting things done.
It is not necessary to always "do, do, do." Perhaps this year you won't bake for the office potluck, or decorate your house with lights, or buy a new holiday outfit, or sail through an enormous Christmas card list. Perhaps this year it will be a big step if you just light a single and simple candle. That's OK!
FIND WAYS TO HONOR YOUR LOVE :
Often, it helps if the activities we dread most, can be turned around to create a memorial to those who are not here. For example, if you always put up stockings on Christmas Eve, but fear you cannot do it if you have to leave that special one in the box, ask yourself how you can honor this person. Take the stocking out and put it up. Ask everyone if they will write a note to put inside. Notes can be sealed in an envelope if they are too personal to share, or left open for others to read. Take the money you would have spent on a gift to make a charitable contribution in your loved one's name. Play his or her favorite music during a holiday meal; plant a tree; create a picture collage of happy moments and make duplicates for your family and friends. Does your family want a Christmas Tree, but you wonder how you'll face sorting through old ornaments? Buy a special decoration for your loved one that will have a place of honor and announce to everyone who that special ornament is for. One family I know had a tree decorated with light, ribbons, tinsel, and only one special ornament. It was beautiful.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF :
Spend time with people who are supportive of your needs and let you talk about your loss. Conversely plan enough quiet time. Maybe you can just sit and listen to music, soak in a hot bath, or go for a long walk. Try setting aside time to record your memories in a journal, write about your feelings and your daily activities, or anything that gives you the chance to consider how you are experiencing the season. It's common to feel harried and stressed this time of year anyhow, but if you are grieving, you will be even more exhausted and vulnerable to sickness. Try and get enough sleep, and carefully watch what you eat. (SPECIAL NOTE : The four food groups are not caffeine, tobacco, alcohol and sugar.)
Finally, be kind and gentle in the messages you tell yourself. If tears come, let them. If you are frustrated in your attempts to find someone to share your pain, remember your grief support group. People who have been there, care, and do want to help.
Soon the Holiday Season will pass into a New Year. Hopefully, the coping strategies you learn this December will continue to serve you into the next year. Sadness, like joy, is not limited to one time of year.
" I wish that your spirit finds beauty in the season and peace in your hearT "
Written by Susan Moore, MA
Crisis and Suicide Intervention of Contra Costa
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart." - Henry Wordsworth Longfellow -
- A BOOK REVIEW -
" A GIFT OF HOPE " - HOW WE SURVIVE OUR TRAGEDIES
Author ROBERT L. VENINGA (Reviewed by Al Vigil)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Tragedy is a part of life. It is a part of the human mystery which we all must face. Human pain works its way out of our consciousness over time. One moment we can smile, a few hours later the tears emerge ...we recover slowly. Gradually. Sometimes in almost undetectable ways.."
Recovery, if we choose to call it that, from the loss of a loved one to death is almost always a roller-coaster of emotions. When we speak to suicide survivors and suicide attempters we never promise that "It will be better tomorrow." We can only promise that "it will be different" because tomorrow can be a day of hope. Days of hope -that can bring healing.
It always pleases me to learn about what moves people forward through the midnight hours of their private grief. In the beginning it can be denial, anger, fear and shock. Then come the blessings of hope. I think that one of the most interesting chapters in A Gift of Hope is the one titled "How People Survive Adversity."
Robert L. Veninga writes about several inherent characteristics. For example:
One: "Almost without exception those who survive a tragedy give credit to one person who stood by them, supported them, and gave them a sense of hope."
Two: "Those who survive a tragedy understand the magnitude of that which they have lost."
Three: "Those who survive a tragedy have learned to transcend their guilt."
Four: "If you want to survive a crisis, you need a reason to live."
When we meet people who have recently lost a loved one to death we always try to give them something that will help the pain process that they are in and must go through. There is always something appropriate to leave with these persons: books, book markers, pamphlets, poems, newsletters, and anything else that will give them some bit of hope that they are going to get past these painful days.
The author, Robert L. Veninga, also writes about something we all face with those we love -that are at risk for suicide. He lists these as follows:
- Take all comments about suicide seriously.
- Be honest about your suspicions.
- Be aware of clues that point to self-destructive behavior.
- Obtain skilled professional care.
- Remove all possible weapons.
- Don't add to their burdens.In this book the survivor is further urged to "trust life."
* Live in the present. Taking one day at a time.
* Push aside doubts that you will ever be happy again.
* Rely on friends, asking them for comfort.
* Tell others how you feel; Lonely, Fearful, Hopeful.
* Affirm that you are good. If you past has been good, your future will be good.
* Meditate, asking for strength.Harold S. Kushner, the author of When Bad Things Happen To Good People, expressed the feeling of needing to give something to those in pain when he said, "I will be giving A Gift Of Hope to many people I know. It is a clear and compassionate work."
-- A N G E R -- One Aspect of Grief
"Anger," says Marcia Williams, "is a normal reaction to the loss of someone you love, but it's an emotion many people are not comfortable with."
"Anger is not just one thing or an emotion with a single intensity," adds Williams, who works as a crisis intervention specialist at St. Lukes Medical Center in Milwaukee. Williams, along with Terry Rybold, community/school social worker with the Whitnall School District, presented the Mental Health Association's "Evening of Healing." The program was a discussion of "ANGER as an Aspect of Grief."Williams depicts ANGER on a continuum as a means of exploring its many facets:
* Mild * Misdirected
* Saturated * Rage
She describes mild anger as annoyance, disappointment, frustration, or having a short fuse. "It's something just under the surface," she says, "or the feeling that prompts us to say 'What a waste!' when we hear of suicide."
Williams identifies misdirected anger as an outburst that occurs as verbal, sexual, or physical abuse. It can include prejudice, acts of violence, or vengeful state of mind.
"When anger occupies many of one's conscious thoughts and appears even in dreams, that stage is saturated anger," says Williams. "Addiction to drugs or alcohol may occur, or anger may be turned inward, resulting in depression. Rage, the most intense stage, is marked by uncontrollable explosions. It may result in homicide, suicide, or random acts of violence."
"Why do suicide survivors feel angry?" Rybold asks. "Perhaps the most important reason," she suggests, "is that we perceive suicide as an act of rejection. It leaves us feeling abandoned, alone, and responsible for picking up all the pieces the suicide caused."
"The loss is sudden," adds Rybold, "and it really shatters the idea that if we are good people and work hard, everything will be OK. We lose trust, and we feel angry because it's not fair to lose trust, as well as the life of someone very dear to us."
"We grieve the loss of the sense of certainty that goes along with trust, the confidence we can forecast our future," says Rybold. "It's all cut off, a jarring closure."
"Anger comes also with looking back and seeing clues (to suicide) and not being able to do anything about it. Now you have the picture, but the person is gone," she notes.
"Anger is often directed inward, and that can be the most destructive," says Rybold. "We can feel angry with ourselves for somehow not measuring up. We keep asking, 'Did I do something wrong?' "
"When anger is twisting away at us on the inside, the body experiences actual physical pain. And, among the most serious effects, anger turned inward can have a strong impact on our ability to fight diseases," Rybold says.
"Recovery from suicide and dealing with the anger doesn't mean your life will be exactly the same as it was before," says Williams. "But it does mean coming full circle, so you can be spontaneous and joyful, find purpose in your life, and become future orientated."
One teenager with whom Rybold has worked expressed it this way: "I like to knit and when my friend committed suicide, it felt like a large force had just slammed into my knitting and blown it all apart. Since then, what I've been trying to do is knit the pieces back together. And it's not like it won't go back together again, but the pattern will never be the same."
Tips for Dealing with Anger
"Anger is not bad," says grief counselor Marcia Williams. "It's what we do with our anger that results in healthy or unhealthy outcomes."
She offers the following suggestions to help suicide survivors identify and process the anger they may feel:
Understand and accept the role that anger plays in grief recovery.
Find a safe way to express your anger, such as exercising, talking with friends or family, journaling, reading, working for a cause (suicide prevention), or joining a Survivors Helping Survivors support group.
Know the person(s) in your life who can tolerate and understand your anger.
Develop a support network that includes at least three or four people to talk to.
Get professional help if:
- friends are uncomfortable with your anger
- your health starts to deteriorate
- anger dominates your life
- you are having suicidal or homicidal thoughtsReprinted from : "Survivors Helping Survivors" : Milwaukee, Wisconsin
888